The Transition Times

Errie’s back with us again while her parents are off globe trotting.  She’s such a sweetie.  She’s also highly food motivated — a big advantage for me.  You’d be amazed at how much more quickly Benny moves when he’s competing for a goody.  Poor girl wants to play with Benny and he’s not willing.  Benny was on his couch when she jumped up.  Errie settled down on the far side from Benny.  After a few minutes, she moved to the middle cushion.  Benny’s head raised up (I’m sure his eyebrows rose up too!), he glared at her and then jumped off the couch.  Clearly, he’s just tolerating her.

I’ve been spending a lot of time outside working in the yard.  Benny earned his off leash privileges a couple of months ago, so he’d been out there with me every day.  But with Errie here, I can’t leave the gate open while I’m outside (so Benny could get inside where it was cooler).  So, now he has to stay inside with Errie.  But, when I’m going outside for just a minute, I’ll sneak him outside with me.  Somehow, that seems to make him very happy (and he’s responding better to whispered instructions).

Errie has freaked me out a few times.  Because she’s a brachycephalic dog (a dog with a pushed in nose), she snores.  She sounds just like Lew.  Every now and then . . .  Last night, I had a moment when I thought I’d better wake Lew because it sounded like he was having a bad dream.

But I’m really glad she’s here.  She’s cute.  She’s fun.  She’s smart.  She’s making me appreciate Benny even more!

And in honor of Dennis Hopper
“Born to be Wild” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xm5DPlNCmtk

Our 35th anniversary, last Monday, was worse than I thought it would be.  Nothing like a rainy day to enhance the atmosphere of a pity party.  I was still struggling to shed the  despair on Tuesday.  I find it amazing how deeply I can dig myself into a hole.  Not only was I grieving over the loss of my husband, I was reviewing my list of slights and careless words from the last few years . . . like I was deciding who was naughty or nice.

I ended up taking a very active roll in changing my mood.  I’ve been getting into music therapy.  Not the kind with the education and the degrees.  But the kind that gets you to . . .

Move it.  Move it.  Move it.

Or, share words of inspiration, like from Roger Miller

You can’t roller skate in a buffalo herd
You can’t roller skate in a buffalo herd
You can’t roller skate in a buffalo herd
But you can be happy if you’ve a mind to

So, you can join me in the joy of the music, the links:

I Like to Move it, Move it  by Reel 2 Real   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9osbpEHvQVE

You Can’t Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd  by Roger Miller    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KI-8hst0bho

More to come.

I’ve been in a total frenzy for the last few weeks.  Ever since I realized . . . This coming Monday would have been our 35th wedding anniversary.  I’m not handling it well.

I’ve been gardening, weeding and planting flowers.  I’ve cleaned the garage, organized and created a workshop for myself.  Made more shelves for the CD library . . .  I guess I’m lucky that I’m in a frenzy instead of coming totally unglued.

In a strange sort of way, I’m looking forward to the first anniversary of Lew’s passing next month.  Then there will be no more firsts — no first Christmas alone, no first birthday alone, no first anniversary alone . . .

I guess its about time I started writing about what the transition is about.  Soon.

I’ve heard ya. Ya wanna know the results of the tests. Well, I’ve been putting off telling you because . . . I’ve been trying to figure it all out.

Two doctors, Dr. Gynecologist and Dr. Gynecological Oncologist, think the softball is merely an ovarian cyst (no cancer). Both are 99% sure about it. But, neither is willing to stick a needle in it for fear of spilling cancer cells in my abdomen.

And, that’s all they agree on.

Dr. Gyn thinks it needs to be taken out. He wants to do a laparoscopic procedure where he wraps the cyst in a bag before pulling it out. He also says that the cyst is unrelated to the pain in my abdomen that sent me to the doc in the first place.

Dr. Gyn-Onc says the cyst is causing the pain and much of the bladder problems I’m having. He also says that I shouldn’t have the laparoscopic procedure because the necessary anesthesia isn’t well tolerated by people with MS. The surgery he would do involves a large incision to remove both ovaries and three to four days in the hospital. There is no rush to have it done — its up to me when it gets done.

I’ve known Dr. Gyn a lot longer than Dr. Gyn-Onc. But, Dr. Gyn-Onc knows about the anesthesia/MS problem — that gives him double credibility in my book.

So . . . what’s next? Another opinion? I’m rather afraid of getting a third opinion.

At the moment, I’m letting my body decide. When it decides to quit binge eating and loose a lot of weight, then I’ll be ready for the knife.

Today is the day I always quote my husband,

“Be thankful you don’t get all the government you pay for.”