The Transition Times

Anybody ever heard of a web site that has “hours of operation”?

Check out the right hand column — http://www.socialsecurity.gov/onlineservices/

Of course, I only noticed this because I was trying to access it after hours.

Since I haven’t written on Social Security for a while . . . I applied for disabled widow benefits shortly after Lew’s benefits were cut off in June.  I tried to wait patiently, knowing it takes quite a while.

When I hadn’t heard from them, on January 4th, I called to sign up for just plain widow’s benefits (since I was then qualified).  After 45 minutes on hold, I found out that there was a note in my file, if my application for disability was denied, they would automatically process the widow benefits.  Cool. I sat back and waited.

Day 180 was approaching.  It says all over everywhere that I would hear from them within 180 days.  So, when Day 180 arrived, I checked the mailbox hourly.  Okay, I would be patient for a few more days for the mail.  This just had to be a good sign.  If I had been turned down, they would have told me so a long time ago.

Day 182, the phone rang.  My paperwork was too old to process, we had to start over.  They mailed me the forms giving them permission to get my doctors’ records.

So, of course, it dawned on me — they weren’t going to process my paperwork for widow’s benefits unless they declined my disability application.  Another six months?  And how long after that?  I called Social Security.  They made a telephone appointment for me three weeks away.

A few days later — Do I really need an appointment to apply for widow’s benefits? I called Social Security.  They took my application right then over the phone.  When I asked them to cancel my telephone appointment, they said I should keep it so I could get an update on the status of my disability application.

On appointment day, they called a half hour early.  Fortunately, I had gotten up early and my brain was awake.  They interviewed me for widow’s benefits, again!  Sigh. At least this time, the interviewer was able to tell me the amount my benefit would be and when I could expect my check.  Yay!

The day the check was to be direct deposited . . . A week later, I called Social Security.  “They’re calculating the amount of your payment.”  But they already told me over the phone!

A month later, I got a letter in the mail telling me to expect a letter in the mail.

Four days later, I got a letter in the mail!  I had been approved for disabled widow’s benefits! Yay! My first payment would include the last three months that I was qualified to receive.  Double Yay!

The day the check was to be direct deposited . . . Its now a week later.

I told my gynecologic oncologist that I’m not strong enough to go through what Lew went through.  “If the ovarian cyst turns out to be cancer, just refer me to Hospice and we’re done.”

My regular gynecologist wanted to take it out.  Fortunately, the oncologist understood and said we could talk about surgery later.  The cyst is now about three inches.  We’ll rescan it in a couple of months to get an idea of about how fast its growing.  Since there isn’t an accurate test for early ovarian cancer and since I’ve got a bad history for colon cancer (they’re related) we’ll be doing genetic testing.  If I have the genetic marker for colon cancer . . .

I’m struggling with depression.  Having to force myself to go for drive-thru groceries or run errands.  I had to ask to be rescued three times last week — had to call a neighbor to dig me out of the mud hole I had dug myself into, called AAA to change the tire that had a screw in it, and, well . . . you get the picture.  I can’t take care of myself pity-party.  I turned 60 today.  I’m withdrawing from my friends — even making up reasons to be mad at them.  I’m not returning calls.

At times, I seem to go in the other direction.  I’ve started baking bread so I’ll have something to beat.  I highly recommend it.  I began thinking about going to a dog conference in NYC in a couple of weeks.  How’s that for brain dead?  Going north in February?!  And last minute plans?  And I haven’t flown since I’ve been full time in a wheelchair!

Social Security Disability finally called me after total silence for six months.  My paperwork is now too old to process, we have to start over.  But since my disability claim is pending, it complicates the process of completing the paperwork for widow’s benefits.

I’m angry.

Yep, I’m still here.  Been thinking about you — a lot.  My excuse — my busy time of year.  First there was Errie.  Then there  was getting ready for the bike ride.  Then the bike ride.

Got a lot of stories to tell.

But, not tonight.

Just a brief reminder for my friends with MS — stay away from the H1N1 nasal spray.  Please wait for the de-activated H1N1 vaccination.  For more info, see the National MS Society’s page on flu innoculations.

I’ve been telling everyone that I have the opportunity to reinvent myself.  Over the last three years, I have removed myself from all of the activities I was involved in so I could focus on caring for Lew.  So, now I find myself without any responsibilities.  Time to rethink my future.

So, yesterday, I had one of those days.  Errie was coming to stay with us and I heard from someone I hadn’t in quite a while.  I spent a long time wondering if yesterday was the first day of my new life.  I’m considering doing “boarding and training” with a specialization in Service Dog tasks.  Errie is helping me understand some of the obstacles I would be facing and helping me define the kind of training I would do.

Errie is a 9 year old Caviler King Charles Spaniel.  She’s well behaved and very, very bright.  In just a few hours, she was using the dog door without any assistance.  It didn’t take her much time at all to discover that she is long enough to reach the top of my lowered kitchen counters.  My only problem with her, she likes to lie down behind my wheels.  Getting her to move again can be a challenge.

We went for a ride to the grocery store this morning.  Her first time in my van.  She had some confusion over the missing front seat and tried to get into the driver’s seat.  Fortunately the steering wheel was in her way.  Finally, I managed to get a hold on her and boosted her up onto the back seat.  Seat belted in, she got all excited when I opened her window (glad for the seat belt).  Benny was fine with sharing his seat.

Nope, they haven’t been romping and playing.  They are just existing in the same space.  Nope, no conflicts.  Even at dinner time.  Well, okay, I sit on the floor between them while they eat.  Benny won’t go near Errie while she’s eating, but she doesn’t seem to care that Benny is twice her size.  I expect they will enjoy each other a bit more in a few days.  Errie is still trying to talk me into taking her home.

And, the email . . . Well . . . I’m giving serious consideration to serving on the board of a well respected Service Dog organization.

But that was yesterday.

So, today rolls around.  And I turn around.  I’m sitting here working on updating my web site, updating info for the upcoming bike ride, and proofreading a publication for another organization.  Didn’t I just say that I had shed all my responsibilities?

I’m gearing up for the bike ride. (This is my 24th bike ride!)  One of the HAMs helped me wire in my radio and antenna for my van this weekend.  Its almost totally cool.  I don’t think the radio can be seen from the outside.  Except for the microphone.  I’ve got most of the wiring hidden, but I haven’t figured out how to hide the mic while still having it within easy reach.  Humm . . .  Yeah, I know the antenna is quite visible.  But thieves don’t seem to break into vehicles based on an antenna.  They look inside to see what’s worth stealing.

So, all this stuff is competing for run-time in my head.  Benny, Errie, my new career, new volunteer responsibilities, current activities, home repairs . . .

Oh, and a P.S. — Thanks to Ben for his words of wisdom.  Lew’s journal went out with the trash the next day, unread.

Finally heard from the DMV this week about my driver’s license.  They approved of my hoop jumping.

Seen three doctors in the last two weeks.  No problem — just catching up on stuff I’ve put off.  None of them have heard from Social Security about my disability application.  My primary care doc said my blood work “looks remarkably good.”  The rest were equally positive.  Got one more doc to see this week.

I finally remembered to call about Lew’s pension checks.  Had to pay back two months worth.  Lew was really bad about financial planning.  He had set up his pension so that it would stop after his death.  When I left the voice mail message for the woman in Human Resources to call me back, I didn’t recognize her name.  Still don’t.  When we were talking, she asked for Lew’s social security number.  Pause. She said, “I know him!  I used to work with him!”  I don’t know why, but I started apologizing for breaking it to her so abruptly.

Lew’s clothes have gone to the Crisis Assistance “store.”  I decided to keep his Habitat shirts for the time being.  His bike clothes are still in the closet.  They’ll be going to a friend Lew was very fond of (Sorry, “Sweetie,” it ain’t you!)

Been going through the rest of the stuff in the closet.  Found his “state of the art” notebook computer that he bought for when he traveled.  Man, have computers changed!  It has a small screen, weighs a ton, and doesn’t have a USB port. Its got something wrong with the hard drive.  I’ve got to decide if its worth spending the time trying to fix it or if I should go ahead and destroy it.  Nope, I can’t sell it or give it away.  There’s “secret” stuff on there!  (Customer info, software, etc.)

A couple months before Lew died, while he was still active, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to get rid of before he died.  I reminded him a couple of weeks later.  I asked about the journal he kept while we were having marriage problems.  He said it wasn’t important.  I found it next to his laptop.  Its back on the shelf where it was while I decide if I want to read it.  Would it be painful?  Or, would it be a learning experience?  Would it make me miss him more?

I’m beginning to question my judgment.  I heard that! A neighbor we’ve just waved at asked if I’d take care of their dog while they are out of town (she usually stays with Sammy).  Well, Benny invited Errie to sleep over Thursday night.  We enjoyed her company.  She’s very curious and very bright (She’s just about got the dog door thing down.).  And she kept trying to get into my van so I could take her home.  She’s going to have a rough time without her mommy.

Errie is about nine years old (if I remember correctly) so I won’t have to worry about keeping up with puppy antics.  She’s a well mannered Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, so she’s small enough that I could pick her up if I had to.  But, one thing I hadn’t thought about — she doesn’t know to stay out from under my wheels.  And she doesn’t know “Excuse me” or “Move” or not to sleep in the bathroom doorway.

So, anyway, new dog adventures in a couple of weeks.